The Journey Foreseen...

How's this for a send off?!  

After a 3 week run of intense activity of moving out of my apartment (what a job THAT was!), AND prepping for shows, I've had to switch gears immediately into prepping for travel.  I was running around today doing last bits before heading to the airport, which included of course a completion of a creative jaunt... I had to document images of a wheat paste session I did on a side street with my buds last night.

I still had to turn in my cable box and close out my account. Yup...just a couple hours before leaving the country.  I was online at Time Warner on 96th + Broadway with a ticket number that was sure to take at least 30 minutes to come up on the screen.  I took a chance by jumping on a bus heading over to the East side - the opposite side of town - to the little side street where we pasted up our prints.  

While rushing to archive our handy wheatpasting work,  I thought, "maybe I should catch a cab back across  on the main avenue to save on time or I may not make it...".  Within moments of this boggle, this man walks by...looking at me casually yet quite intently.  

As he passed in front of my camera he asked,  "Do you need a cab?" and gestures towards his yellow. I immediately said yes and acknowledged internally the fortuitous timing and his seeming ability to read my mind!   

Now understand people - this NEVER happens in New York city. Not with yellow cabs at least.  Maybe Livery cabs (the black town cars that recently turned that god aweful lime green) once in a while, but not yellows.

Anyway, he was double parked so we had to jet. 

It was a completely silent and peaceful ride to the other side of town. 

As I was getting out he calmly turned to the back and a pro po of nothing he said, 
"You are being watched closely right now....by your grandmother... Yes," he paused to confirm, "... not by your uncles or your cousin who are helping you, but by your grandmother.  You are on the right path. It's not going to be easy, but it will be good.  Very good work. You will be fine, and you will do just fine."

Needless to say I sat there shocked, my jaw dropped...just staring at him...blinking blankly. He was looking at me calmly chewing at his toothpick with a knowing smile only detectable in his eyes.  I began to say "If you knew the momen...", and he cut me off saying, "I know the moment. It is a very good and meaningful moment. You will be fine African daughter."

I balked again but quickly composed myself to ask his name.  "Malik from Mali" he said. "Berette from Sierra Leone" I said, "and thank you Malik for that." We took each other's hand, we smiled, locked one more momentary gaze and then off I went. 

I ran across the street into the Time Warner praying I didn't just screw myself with the timing.  The counter was at #233 and my number was #234.

I went up to the counter ready to pay my final bill, and was told, "You never cashed in on our promotion before canceling your account, so we owe you money.  The credit will be sent in the mail."

What?!! lol

And...when I got to the airport just now, the seeming major issue I had with Air Berlin and their baggage handling fee that I'd griped about just days before on was all cleared up without a hitch.  And I found a new hippie friend from behind the counter to boot!

Wow. That's what you call Bon Voyage Bless Ups - wouldn't you say?!

Floored.  Grateful.  Smiling. Ready.

Naked in the Shadow

The Shadow came and covered my place, my doorway, my face.  It was like having a solid steel block placed over my heart-space while I lay flat on a cold ground gasping for air.  

That damn persistent Shadow...

I have never stopped myself so consciously from writing before.  I never experienced so physically the effects of such mindful resistance.  I feel it now as I write.  

My whole life I've been told to write, or that I would inevitably be a writer.  I never wanted to accept such prophecy because it meant so many things that I somehow concluded would make my life a misery.  It meant I would be alone.  It meant I would never dance.  It meant I couldn't act. It meant I wasn't pretty enough.  I could never be a popular or fun person who attracted the company of other popular or fun people if I spent my whole day writing about all the crap that ran around in my head.  Funny - as nowadays none of these conditions hold my interest.  Well that's not entirely true.  But the recluse I feared I would be as a writer, is now actually how I choose to exist.  It's how I feel safe.  And now my head is full of thoughts that must come out - UNinterrupted.  Ha!  Isn't that it?  Writing is speaking your mind UNinterrupted?  

Anyway despite my resistance, -a lifetime of active resistance through a number of other activities and professions- I would still write.  Since the age of 6 I started writing...copiously.  And when the rush of thoughts would barrel through me, nothing could stop me from recording it.  Added to mounds of journals, I have so many napkins, internal book sleeves, and scrap papers with sentences, phrases, or whole passages scribbled on them.  I can't count how many draft documents I've typed, never written for public consumption mind you, just for the release I uncontrollably needed. 

In fact the only public consumption of my writing have been assignments in college, a mere handful of published essays and articles, and this blog.  I never tried to take it beyond that you see.  But in each of these instances, I was frightened when my work was well received.  The fright was that I made possible the prophecy of being a 'writer', and thus the Shadow that could rob me of the otherwise active life I thought I wanted.  

But this last month I felt suffocated in a way I never expected or experienced.  I would be sitting on my outside stoop or on the train, or doing some other activity when suddenly a rush of thoughts and words would come over me and through me.  I know this feeling so well and precisely how I've always reacted to it. But this time I would literally, consciously decide to let it slip away.  I would plant myself, sit it out,  STOP myself from grabbing a pen or running to the computer to write.  And that freaked me out.  It is freaking me out.  It's freaking my friends out too.  So much so that as I verbally explained this to one of them, my dear Vernice made me sit down immediately to write this in her presence to release myself...

So here I am, ...naked.

And here I will stay...embracing this prophecy.  Many thoughts have bubbled in this winter of introspection.  I was so still that if I wrote anything, it would be the only action and so...resistance. 
It seems awfully obvious now, and reveals me as a bit mad and slow on the uptake...but, of course I can do everything I've done before, just now it's time to openly embrace 'writing' as one of...  But on the way here, maybe it's okay, as Saul Williams said: "to throw away the pad and pen, and simply be the poem." Perhaps all this exploration has been to gather tales and living poetry to share; dispatches from a mad lab of endless searching for wholeness. 

Indeed.  And this search shall take me home, the reports of which will be shared through my lens and my pen.

Sierra Leone.  

It is time.

Sisyphean Struggles vs Overcoming like a Trojan

This is quite connected to the #MindtheGap philosophy that I am working my way back to. Here is a wonderful and accessible explanation for why we do what we do, and why we despair when it is no longer serving us...

Dan Ariely: What makes us feel good about our work?

Never-ending Search for Sweet Spots

May seem like a random thought ...well I guess it is, but I wanted to save it here with a couple of feel-good videos for future reference:

Be confident in what you want

   so you clearly demand it

But remain humble and innocent in the asking

   so you can graciously receive it.  

We are all we need...

  b a l a n c e  

Mind the Gap

A message for life as a creative:

Ira Glass on Storytelling from David Shiyang Liu on Vimeo.

The generous and perfect synchronicity of nature:

NOTE:  If you can't see this you need to visit the actual blog to view the clips

Acting in Evolution

This is new kind of share (and update for some of you) about a most timely and beautiful opportunity I had this summer.  I'm always going on about 'the journey' and usually a very internal and personal one at that - with the occassional dash of work/professional news.  But as these two aspects of our lives are intrinsically tied - I must share this recent and particularly meaningful connection. 


I have been excavating a whole heap of stuff over the past couple of years, and one aspect of my past has been left unexplored:  acting.  It's kinda ironic, but not entirely uncommon, to find myself on a professional journey that has little to do with my course of study in college: Theater Arts.  I have certainly created real connections between this and photography, in so far as how I develop my work, and how I attempt to go about the business of creating it.  The principles of collaboration that I seek always to work by, come directly from the culture of the theater world.  But acting - well, this I have not done for some years now. As I often would put it when it came up:  I haven't spoken text on stage/on camera for....  

As I've been on my other artistic explorations, I've missed acting, not sharply mind you, but rather, I've been aware of its absence as a form of expression.

My friend Danae Grandison, another soul-searcher/explorer and accomplished graphic designer, decided to switch gears and explore the artform of film making.  Her first film, Unconditional Love, is a work straight from the highway of personal explorations, directly from the heart, a beautiful distillation of what it means to come out on the other end of a growth passage emotionally in tact, and in fact, to find yourself utterly in love with life and all the vicissitudes therein; to arrive at acceptance, wonderment, and open curiosity to what comes next.  We can only be in such a place when we are willing to release the past, and thus the expectations it invariably breeds for the future.  


I auditioned at precisely the right time for the part in this 2 minute short - when I could understand the meaning of such a personal evolution.  It was also therefore, the right project to bring me back to this art form.  Oh the connectivity!  


Danae's work premiered at SVA (School of Visual Arts) at the end of her film course this past August, and she received the Audience Award for her work.  I was so chuffed too of course - haha! 


Here's our Labour of Love - which was shot in the New York City heat wave of 115ºF!  Not easy, but totally cathartic.  Thank you for this journey Danae!








 
Unconditional Love from Danae Grandison on Vimeo.
Time to release the bags you collect along the way...

Featuring Berette Macaulay
Written and Directed by Danae Grandison
Edited by David Lee

Awakening in the Illusion

I've pretty much done away with the old anal me, the organized, neat, over-planning freak  who had to be certain of every iota of everything in order to move forward with anything.  I'm paraphrasing my internal mantra here, but now each day I sludge or skip forward with this guiding belief:  


The only way to travel light is really to release the heavily packaged idea that you need to know everything.  Release into the unknown, dance with the uncertainty of fudged plans; only there lie the surprises of certain rewards. 


Lofty innit?  But you know, I've honestly found this to be quite true.  Just two years ago, I, and a couple witnesses in my life, would have laughed at the idea of how I live now.  Guilt and fear were my close allies in how I perceived my life or any possibilities that lay before me, and they informed how I would arm myself against disaster (though I did often contradict myself, thereby creating fine messes to clean up anyway).  As I shared with a dear friend the other day, it recently  dawned on me that I currently have stuff left in homes of friends and family in 3 regions of the world - and, unbelievably, I'm not bothered!  

That said - I've not brought this gypsy-footing around to the close I imagined I would have by now. The marvelous lesson and gift of detachment that I've gained with all this jumping around, has also enabled a not-so-complimentary trait of mine: indecisiveness.  It would appear that I no longer know how, and thus by default, where to land - which is beginning to concern me...but only a little bit. Not being tied to a calendar has filled my mostly unscheduled life with an immense amount of fulfilling activity, that ironically now seems to need a bit of structure.  With all this ambiguity about where to finally unpack my suitcases, I've been wondering a lot lately if the impending external pressure to do so means it's time to grow up, or if this is really the distance for me. 


I mean, I handle the business of adulthood as well as the next person I suppose; attending to duties and responsibilities with a fair amount of acceptance (haha) and efficiency, even aplomb on occasion!  Admittedly though, my hypersensitivity to the realities of post-childhood life will sometimes grip me with sheer panic beyond what I've observed in others.  But, I soldier on, as must we all! 


Given such observations, I must concede to the truth that I chase novelty at every turn, because I have yet to truly make peace with the sheer regularness of living. Does this mean that my development is stunted? Or could it mean simply, that I reach for constant expansion? I really fear that too much routine (though I synchronously yearn for it...) will put me to sleep, but who's to say really that I'm even awake? I could be just an indulgent escapist, justifying my ever changing mindset and physical location as necessary creative food for my artistic and spiritual development! 

What is it to be living in an illusion?  What is it to be awake?  Can we do both; can we "dream awake"?  Really, is there a satisfying  definition of either choice, and which therefore is the more beneficial and actionable prescription for a fulfilling life?  What has been a most amusing thing to me for the past couple of years, is the common mantra that "life is short", and its expression is often followed by an urging to figure out the 'how' and the correct 'how' now, so as to live it to the fullest.  But I think life is long, really long.  The changes are constant and the shifts can be huge, and if you're really paying attention and being honest with yourself, even the obvious answers are never really clear because they're simply not static enough to be always useful and ever true.  So - I have no idea what the right prescription is.  But maybe it's just choosing NOW and all that now has to offer, since all else - as new age philosophers and meta-physicists may propose - doesn't really exist and therefore doesn't matter...

London Tube 2007

reminiscence

         

           Cautiously polite

He guided me to the edge of

           the abyss

Looking through me

My back to infinity

He pushed me towards the edge

           with a kiss

His eyes closed as I fell into space

                           

Spreading my wings 

           in a freedom flight

           and rising

           he fell onto my shoulders

Then cradled by the span of my feathered hopes

We flew down... 

by Berette Macaulay

Marathon for Stillness

It's been nearly a year of constant searchlight movement; I can't believe how rapidly the sand seems to be moving under my magic carpet.  I barely remember what this journey was for, or what I set out to find, but I can say I've spent a lot of time looking back...reaching, sometimes lunging towards the past for reminders, and for the answers I need so I can move back to the future.  Been discovering things I never actually lost...deliciously affirming things...like the art of love.

 "Sometimes, a journey of a lifetime -though one gathers great gifts along the way- ends up at home having healed the disdain for its limits and origins. 

...there is nothing like the love of family and familiars.  They are a welcome thing to have when you have journeyed far enough away from the thought that you have anything to prove."

~Mark Pergola~

Curious thing about family - the blood thing is automatic; it's strong.  There's no reassembling or restructuring the auto-love of your own herd - no matter how far or long you run for, or how much fault you find...in the end, the madness is comforting in it's inexplicable perfection. 

My favourite family portrait:

 Mum, Me, and Dad in our bar after a Christmas party, all skunky-drunky.  :)

Sibblings (dad married twice before my mum)  - the only photo with all of us in the same country...EVER...it was for Daddy's funeral. :(

Extended Paternal Family Gathering for the same...erm...event...

GERMAN/AFRICAN Maternal Family Reunion in Czech Republic and Germany 2009 - ...JOURNEY entries for this coming...uh...one day.  Ha.

RELATED JOURNEY POSTS:  

            The Ongoing Attempt (Sept 2007)

            In A Final Analysis, the Story Can Now Begin (Oct 2009)

Ku-ing the Con of Love

"Con"

An unselfish act

Can only be born of love

Mystery solved.

~Mystic Urchin~ 

Questions: 

Does unselfish love really exist?  And if so, what conditions allow it to thrive?  Does it remain unselfish or does it eventually become possessive, fragile, and fearful?

I asked my friend what he meant by this Ku - just to be clear.  I wasn't sure what photo to post with it to be frank.  But then after this conversation - I could only come up with parental love:

ME: 

Having trouble with this one. Why did you call it "con".  Trying to think of the photo for this one and I'm stuck...expand a little for me - or gimme a figurative picture...

Love

URCHIN:
'Con' because it was something I spent a lot of time thinking 
about...is there really such a thing as an unselfish act?
Then I realised we only do unselfish things for ppl we truly love.
Charity is bullshit most of the time - we do it mostly to make 
ourselves feel better.

ME:
Ah yes - the old philosophical and psychological question in ethics 
and morality:  Does true altruism exist?  Nietzsche had a few 
interesting things to say on that one.  Ever got into him?

Yes I agree with you, but in more detached intellectual moments I have ventured to say that even what we do for 'love', is an effort to have that love returned; so the act therefore is not truly selfless since it still relies on some kind of return.

Tsk.

Anyhoo - thank you baby - i think i know where to dig now.

URCHIN:
No - the love I'm talkin about isn't romantic love - I mean love like what me+u have or that I have for Syd.... I have done things for frens + my child that they don't even know I've done...and not for love to be returned.
That's true love :)

ME:
I didn't misunderstand you - I wasn't thinking of Eros at all.  But usually the love you speak of, Agape, is thought among psychologists and philosophers to be quite rare, some believe it's impossible and only attributable to the gods and messiahs man has created.  But then that debate gets hot when the parent/child love is brought to the picture which quite arguably is the only relationship that comes close to real Agape (selfless) love - and usually from the parent more than the child.  But there are some logically sound and difficult-to-swallow debates there also.

It's all fodder really - as I do believe in self-less love for all kinds of relationships. I believe I love selflessly too and deeply - which is why I'm scared shitless of having a child!   But I do hear the posit that as long as the 'ID' is present, we humans are ultimately too self involved to truly be selfless.

Your thoughts?

LABYRINTH of FOREVER: Doorway for the Spirit Chasers

So I'm doing it again. I've entered the annual Art For Progress competition: Clash of the Artists 2010 and I need YOUR VOTE!  

It's a small annual global contest with a handful of competitive categories: Visual Art, Music, Film, Fashion, DJ, and Creative.  I've put a video in the Creative category.   Some of you may remember I won this back in 2008 with a video presentation of my photo series SPLIT.  

This video is a new edit of work I directed (shot by Fury Young) last Spring.  I prepared a treatment and scripted scenes for this a couple years ago, originally to be part of my CrowDeD series.

I then adapted it for a projection piece used in a 30 minute dance performance at Nina Buisson's Avant Garde Festival in June 09'. 

It's a much shorter edit now, at 7 mins, with the new title, LABYRINTH of FOREVER: Doorway for the Spirit Chasers. Mystic Urchin supplemented it with some great text too! I hope you like it. 

Please click the links to vote - when you get there, scroll down on the Art for Progress Creative voting page to find my video.  Thanks y'all!


NOTE: You will be sent a confirmation email with link that you need to click on or your vote won't go through. 


---

VOTE FOR THIS VIDEO


LABYRINTH of FOREVER: Doorway for the Spirit Chasers from SeBiArt on Vimeo.

|excerpt|

the promise of forever frightens us,
threatening to bury us
in an immeasurable matrix
of darkness…

hold to your frequency
to live forever


~Mystic Urchin~

CREDITS:

Art and Film Direction by Berette Macaulay

Performers in Order of Appearance:
Maki Shinagawa
Cristal Albornoz
Berette Macaulay

Shot by Fury Young

Text by Steve ‘Urchin’ Wilson

Painting and Costumes by Cristal Albornoz

Additional photography SeBiArt

Film, Sound, and Text Editing by Berette Macaulay

A SeBiArt Production.

*Add'l Behind the Hidden Gate colour foto inserts I promised in a recent post.

RELATED JOURNEY POSTS: 

I Friggin WON!!! Ha - I got support like Obama!! lol! (Feb 2008)

Avant Garde Festival (May 2009)

Behind The Hidden Gate (Jan 2010)

The Wanderer: An Old Path to Renewal

A few days ago I did myself the therapeutic favour of visiting an old friend and explorer, Colette Garrick, owner of THE WANDERER* - a peaceful and alluring  haven of colour, art, ancient metals and jewels, pottery,and crystal wonder.

She - a beautiful, inquisitive, and generous spirit.  For years, Colette's nomadic journeys have sparked local interests in the decorative pieces and amulets she collects from cultures around the world; hence 'the wanderer'.

When I was in high school I spent so much time here, and also spent much of my student fortune on crystals and silver rings that I collected seemingly by the pound.  

Having lived away for so long now, I've drifted far from so many aspects of my past.  It was truly a soulful treatment to pass through these gates again, and I walked out with a spirit quartz (from South Africa) and a colour treated Aqua Aura - scintillating stones believed to be imbued with the energy of peace, purity, and community...to keep clear the channels of creativity. Score!

The extra treat was this painting by Kacey Ferguson.  I HAD to get it.  His technique is incomprehensible, but it was his imagination I found to be absolutely irresistible.

I learned too that Colette grew up under the thumb of the recently deceased Albert Huie (1920-2010), known as the "father of Jamaican painting".  She shared a cathartic goodbye/thank you letter she wrote after his passing, which brought to life a couple of odd memories I had of him: his smooth knocked knees always revealed by his long working plaid shorts, and

the pronounced angle of his right forefinger knuckle - made permanent from years of pressing the paint brush to the canvas.


I didn't know him well, but I did spend 1 year of my life sitting for him every Saturday when I was 18.  Me, a figdety troublesome subject who refused to remove my panties, and him a jovial and patient older artist excited by youthful energy, yet unrushed by it.

I wanted to share this some time ago, but I decided against it after hearing of his death. And, well, there was great trepidation about posting the nude too - though Huie's impressionistic nudes have always been celebrated here.  

Anyway, dear Colette furrowed those distinctively arched brows of hers and instructed I post away.  And as another friend added, "If you are feeling like you want to put the Huie paintings up on your blog, don't let your tits get in the way. :-)" Haha - thanks Justin! Here goes:

Albert Huie nude and portrait

*If you're ever in Kingston, Jamaica, you must visit THE WANDERER:

3 Queensway, Kingston 10, Tel. 876-926-6071

Also hit the link at the top for a YardEdge interview with Colette. 

NB. Photographer of Huie pic unknown.


 

Wanna Create? Get Yourself a Genius

I've been known to nag and complain a bit about the pressure and frustration  of living as a creative, or artist, or...or... as an irresponsible, aimless, indulgent crazy person - ooops, there went the guilty voices again.  Yes, that tenuous balancing act of living creatively, and somehow surviving while trying to convincingly appear to be sane and somewhat responsible.  Hmmm. 

Well a friend of mine just sent this on and I HAD to share it.  Thanks Nicky - you got it.  Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) sharing some sound and funny advice on how to keep creating in a safe bubble by getting yourself a genius!  Uh - let there be light.

RELATED JOURNEY POST:  What Is It To Live Creatively? (2009)

Better to travel alone than with a bad companion...

(Title taken from old African Proverb)

...lest you be slowed down with extra weight that drains.

Is that reasonable though?  After all, you never know what you'll come across while on the JOURNEY.

More often than not, the road is filled with places, things, and folks who fill your horizons ANEW.  The adventure IS the companion - and she's never boring and always ENLIGHTENING...well, only perhaps if your feet are ready, your ears are clean, and the eyes of YOUR HEART are open. 

In the final analysis, the story can now begin...

So yes, I promised over and over again that I would do this - blog, blog, blog the journey. Show and tell the story of my unusual family reunion in Czech Rep and Germany, and document whatever else occurred while away on this sabbatical from New York. Well...in my last moments, hours away from boarding my flight, I start - with my last recording as my first entry. Vague as it may be, it will get clearer; I promise. Or at least that's what I hope for myself when I look back and extract the essence as I move forward...join me whenever you can.

peace with ease and only love

Growing Pains

photo by : John Mazlish

I'm detecting a pattern here.

As I get older I'm beginning to get the sense that I'm being made to experience the flip side of the sins of my past. Quite uncomfortable I must say; often annoying I will say; and sometimes terribly taxing, dare I complain. I'm tempted on occasion to regret my youthful exploits.


But then...having my wicked ways thrown back at me is often rife with compelling intrigue. Hmm...I wonder what's next on life's menu. Maybe if I resist less and pay close enough attention to the lessons, I can skip the midlife crisis and slip directly into quiet acceptance with a dash of wisdom.


Here's to hoping...

photo by : Daniel Verhoeven

'Top Rankin' rastaman says from the podium of Babylon: FIRE BUN DAT RAASCLAUT!!!

No further intro needed - just listen and watch:

My Bliss is Dance...what's yours?

Few things make me as happy as dance; it is after all, the love of my life, and has been since I discovered self expression and freedom of the soul through movement at the age of 6.

Since then I have had quite the tumultuous mental, emotional, and physical affair with it - much of this affair has been in the dark, in private corners, in secret spaces. Though I explored movement on stage in high school and during my acting years - it was funnily enough when I was an adult that I finally took on formal training in the art that makes my soul sing.

Living in New York avails one the constant access to the best dance companies in the world, as a student, and as a theater-goer. I have enjoyed this fact for the 10+ years that I have lived here, and have often felt blessed to have enjoyed watching some VERY good performances, and even more incomprehensibly lucky for having broken bread with, learned from, and worked for or alongside some incredible talent on wonderful stages in this city.

But with that said - there are few nights like tonight, for tonight I had a smile pasted across my face for two hours straight as I watched at the JOYCE Theater - the Nederlands Dans Theatre (NDT II). This was a limited engagement (they have not been to the United States in 10 years!!) with 2 extended performances - that all sold out FAST! Scores of heartbroken people were turned away from the theater box office. The staff at the JOYCE (with whom I've become quite familiar from my frequent visits to attend shows) were giddy from the excitement rarely seen in the theater. We were after all, gathering in sweet anticipation of one of the most innovative ballet companies on the planet - to see a group of dancers with incredibly diverse facility of movement, boasting as their resident choreographers one of the most celebrated and revered in the world - Jirí Kylián (who - as rumor has it, will be retiring next year) and the beloved Lightfoot/León!! Well - they DID NOT DISAPPOINT. I quite literally squealed in delight when I read the program - I could not have asked God or Fortune for more!!! All my favorite (straight dance) pieces from these choreographers that I've seen video of countless times I just saw LIVE!! OMG!!! Yes - I just said "OMG"!!! I leave you with YOUTUBE snippets of each of the pieces I saw tonight - and not another word...












In order of appearance:

Said and Done (2001) - Lightfoot León

Sleepless (2004) - Jirí Kylián

Shutters Shut (2003) - Lightfoot León
(poem written & read by Gertrude Stein about her friend Pablo Picasso)

Sad Case (1998) - Lightfoot León
(full piece shown in two parts)



For this video - Said and Done is the third clip in...

What Is It to Live Creatively?

The question I've pondered my whole life is "what is it to live a creative life?" Is it to search, or to find your purpose and passionately without fear or caution, chart a course of action to pursue this singular purpose and fulfill it? Or is it to let the essence that is YOU change and unfold anew, as you keep yourself open to any and all adventures you may happen upon; to create and share multiple textures of self and to be rewarded and fulfilled by the experience itself?

I've tried both and neither way has settled the question. The traditional paradigm that we all exist in - particularly in America I think, offers little permission for the latter, and few rewards for the obedient follower of the former. There is great monetary reinforcement and useful social gain to opt for another path - that is, to live the pre-meditated, strategic life: get the traditional degree - one that has been proven to be socially necessary and profitable, and get it from the right institution; attend the right parties; join the acceptable clubs; learn the unoffensive, agreeble language; think critically only when a format is set as to how to do so acceptably; invest here; buy that; live here; eat 2000 calories a day; laugh at this volume; marry that person; procreate by X age; don't curse; never share; expose nothing; eat your vegetables; drink more water; etc, etc. By the time you've satisfied even half of this list perhaps 20 years have gone by and suddenly you're gripped by a frighting and urgent need for a DO-OVER, back when you knew who you were and what your taste was, how to take risks, and the fact that you hate water and like to use the word "fuck". Sound familiar? Perhaps because we're horse fed this shit, only about living as a straight player BY the straight players as it were; the mysteriously irrefutable and unidentified 'they' we always hear about...

But what about those of us who live only in a state of risk? We wake up one day too from our non-traditional high-on-life trip, only to realize that we're on the outside with no way of buying our way back in. The mid-life crisis of the artist??? What in Christ's name is that? Well, if you didn't sell your soul to Big Brother - you wake up and realize that you made the decision to be financially and socially isolated from the majority of 'swimming sleeping minions', who you now idolize from inside your 'empty' fish bowl, sealed and seated in a vast tank of unreachable toys and comforts, while their faces press in to your globe wishing to experience for a day what it could be like to be such a liberated and exotic misfit. Incredible.

Could the grass be greener only and simply because we have our backs turned to our own lawn while craning our necks over the fence to get a peep at the garden next door?

To live creatively I believe is to live honestly; in truth; however that is to be manifested by you - whatever that means, so long as it is satisfying an intrinsic need within you to feel, experience, create, or express, and NOT to satisfy some external requirement or subscription on how to live out the limited days you have on this earth.

With that - I leave you with a trailer for a documentary I intend to watch VERY shortly, about someone who has done just that: Dr. Hunter S. Thompson





see link below also.  serious talk and hard truth with eerily current relevance.

Top Ten Hunter S. Thompson Quotes on Alternative Reel