Pride and The New Norm: Equal Rights

I grew up IN JAMAICA in an African/British influenced household run by two lawyers; one, an atheist and the other, a practicing Catholic. We had a constant influx of visitors from around the world, many of whom hosted us in their homes when we traveled.  Among our guests were committed gay couples who are together to this day. 

Because of how my parents socialized me - it frankly never occurred to me that there was anything different or untoward about "Auntie and Auntie" or "Uncle and Uncle" compared with "Auntie and Uncle".
(Note: In my culture - out of respect we address our elders as "Auntie" and "Uncle"  even when they are not blood relatives.) 
They were our family of friends and THAT was THAT.

In all the years that followed when living out in the World and encountering other view points - I was constantly shocked that anyone saw my Aunties and Uncles any differently because they were gay.  Being a total ham and hag - I amassed my own gay friends, and many, and frankly felt no need to explain this to the few confused objectors in my life - except to point out that their philosophy of love was flawed if they missed the beauty of a soul based on righteous principle. 

Without realizing that I had inherited a wide emotional girth of activism from my parents, this issue almost immediately spilled onto the pages of the first college papers I wrote with indignant vehemence. (Along with issues of global acceptance of multiculturalism and the legalization of weed.)  I argued that couples in the #LGBTIQ community had the right not only to marry, but to adopt children.  I smile at this now, as adoption was at issue for gay couples in the late 90s; just this year I attended the baptism of two beautiful natural children of a gay friend…just to illustrate our growth since then. 

Every #pridemarch I've gone to in different cities, or to conferences I've been lucky enough to attend, I strongly believed of course in the fight for #equalrights and supported it with a clear heart, but I must admit that I wondered how this would work in a World so bent on the isms and religions which pronounce what is right or wrong.  In the last year especially, I confess to an unusual phase of quiet that came over me from the numbing shocking wave of fear-induced violence and hate in every sphere across this globe.  And no doubt there is a lot of work still to be done. But I am sucker for reinforcements.  We all are.  I weep ecstatically that I am now old enough to speak like my parents have in saying -
"I never thought I would live to see the day that the World could shift this significantly while I am energetic enough to participate in the new norm." 

The New Norm. 

The fact that THIS in ways unseen opens further rights and protections to the full extent of the law for people, for families... is what was at stake here!! Families!! The  fact that this shall become so ordinary a truth and way of life that the Labels we separate each other and ourselves with can, must, and will fall away. That our differences will only be details of delightful interest to be celebrated.

Yes.

WE are on our way.
On our way back.
To the beginning.
To ourselves.

I congratulate and celebrate EVERY HUMAN BEING. 
What we see evidenced before us, WE can manifest again and again if we just reMember to Love.

#LOVEWINS along with mutual #RESPECT.

#enlightmentisabigbang #offwego  #tippingpoint #criticalmass #letskeepthisgoing #loverevolution #theonlyway
#excusemewhileIlightmyspliff

How to Think...if we're still interested....

It's official - I'm cheating on my boyfriend Albert Einstein with Chris Hedges - hahahaha

It all started with the brilliant, direct, and accessible argument against fundamentalism in I Don't Believe In Atheists, 2008.  Now I own 3 more of his books and follow his writings on Truthdig.  We have few of these minds left people - I highly recommend taking in some of his jottings.

Hedges is a Pulitzer Prize winning author with 20 years under his belt as a war correspondent for the New York Times,  Christian Science Monitor, and NPR (National Public Radio). This life experience is paired with an MA from the Harvard Divinity School - which I imagine broadens his analytical discourse exponentially.  He dissects all aspects of societies and troubles therein - pulling references from the humanities, science, and a profound facility for assertive reasoning. He minces nothing, spares nothing, and gives it straight - which is not only refreshing but so necessary for those of us who dare listen.  

Reality is more illusion than ever before where we willingly live entrenched in bullshit (aka overdose of mind-numbing distraction and impractical 'positive thinking') to the point of harmful asininity  which seems more now to paralyze our ability to think critically, to speak and act honestly, and to listen to our instincts.  All points he appeals in near desperation.  

I love this man's mind.  Lofty be his brilliance, but his rhetoric is more firmly footed than most of our intellectuals today. 

Here is his latest post on the survival and endurance of culture through and because of The Arts:  How to Think on Truthdig

 

RELATED JOURNEY POSTS:

Why "i•ma•gine | e•volve"  (April 2012)

Perceptions and People (February 2012)

My Lifetime Crush on a Quirky Scientist (January 2012)

The e-Con Highway (November 2010)

The (Humbling) Humour of Loss, Growth, and Change

Oh how long life is and what a gift it is to have witnesses...life long witnesses, who may not be close to you by any active means, but have seen you either at pivotal shifts on the journey or a few steps in the sub-lifetime of those shifts. These most important beings help to keep WHOLE the picture of your life, the image of yourself, your journey, your growth. They join the dots. They know you in ways your closest friends over shorter and especially recent periods cannot as they are not mired as you are, by the a litany of current distracting details.

--

It was a beautiful Ash Wednesday beach day specifically for the purpose of rejuvenation and support of our dear friend Sean who had recently lost his baby brother Joseph.  After our day out, we settled by the poolside of Jason's mother's home in Kingston.  There we spoke in deep wonder and acceptance of the journey of loss and rebirth that we all have and must endure.  At the close of this, Jason's mum was rushing about, late for her game of tennis, and her sparring partner who came to fetch her was already parked outside:

Friend JH: Berette, do you know who that is in the car outside?

Me: No, who is it?

JH: It's Sister Mary Catherine

Me: What?! No way. From Immaculate??? Lemme see!

I ran outside around to the driver's side of the car where a middle aged woman was seated. Same childlike face that I remember from so many years ago. Except in the place of the Franciscan nun's habit was a tennis headband, bob-length hair flowing free:

Me: Sister Mary Catherine!! Is that really you?!

SMC: Ah...yes...(?)

Me: It's Berette...

Me/SMC: Berette Macaulay (?!)

Me: Yes Yes! Oh my gosh I can't believe it - how long has it been?!

SMC: I know, oh my goodness! I can't believe it. How are you? Where have you been?!

Me: I'm fine! I've been living in the States the past few years. I'm an artist - well currently a photographer...

SMC: How wonderful!! You...you look...well...(!)

Me: Yes, I am.

SMC: I see your mother on television sometimes, and whenever I do, I wonder "what ever became of Berette". And I see you are fine...(as she gazes at me)

Me: Yes, yes I am (smiles, gasps, giggles)

SMC: I'm so glad, because you were such a troubled child. (eyebrows earnestly furrowed, coupled with a smile of disbelieving.)

Me: (laughs in agreement) yes, I was, but alas I've grown to be quite conservative in my old age (laughs more)

SMC: I can see, yes, I'm glad to see you are alright, and healthy, and well.  I didn't know you knew these guys! (referring to our mutual friends) 

Me: Yes, a long time too, in fact I met Jason when I was a young child in Sierra Leone, before my 'troubled' teen years! Yeah - the world is small isn't it?!

His mother comes out to get into the car:

SMC: Berette very good to see you.  Take care of yourself.

Me:  So very good to see you too Sister Mary Catherine (I say this

wondering if I should call her this - as she left the nunnery years prior).  Oh wait! Please, before you go, please can we take a picture together, I must have this for posterity.  

SMC:  Of course!

Darling Sean, whose shock and loss was just a week old - was standing by looking on.  We had all been in the deep conversational search; reckoning with the mystery of life...the whole reason for this day of togetherness in the sun.  He immediately grasped the seemingly random continuity of this moment and runs around happily to oblige:

by Sean John

As they drove off - we (Sean, Nicky, Jason, and me) all laughed and reeled from this mysterious journey called 'Life', and the never-ending opportunity to complete the circles that help us make sense of it all.

Lessons learned and reinforced:


This life is long, and this life is funny, even while it hurts. Stay awake. Keep joining the dots. Keep searching and creating connections.  Keep loving actively. Go on. 

We all piled into our car, and drove off all singing along with this song:

Lovely Day by Bill Withers

(Dedicated to Joseph Buchanan, Feb 3rd, 1984 - Feb 14th, 2012, Fly in Peace beautiful one)

RELATED JOURNEY POST:

- Let Go II: Ties That Bind (Jan 2010)

Perceptions & People

You have a few assholes/morons out there to be sure. 

There are quite a few rude individuals as well. 

And then we have to exercise patience with a significant number of flakes -who are often misinterpreted as assholes/morons who are thoughtlessly rude. 

I say misinterpreted because the other groups earn such titles by displaying possessive and aggressive streaks often used offensively or defensively and with (sober or blind) intention. Flakes aren't like that - their heads are so far up their own asses or up in the clouds to muster aggression let alone direct it with purpose. Thoughtless yes - literally so, and definitely annoying as hell. But we should try to grant them some patience, and ourselves too; perhaps by detaching from our expectations of committed outcomes.

And finally, we have the MaJoRiTy - the well-meaning, well-doing, honest to god good folk. 

Does that sound crazy? That they're the majority...? Well...think about it - most people out there are decent beings and most of the time too! If it weren't so, this world and the order we have, and the expansive geographical areas of peace and safety that we can enjoy simply wouldn't exist. Fuckin' anarchy is what we'd have mate - EVERYwhere. And there's a lot to be said for perceiving the world this way. It makes you smile more and freak out less; makes you accept shifts and surprises more quickly than resisting them; you're more adaptable, detached, and decisive, rather than presumptuous, reactive and emotionally equivocal. The world for you is what you are for the world. You want to live your life through conflict, be a source of/for conflict.  You want equanimity and liberty, then offer that; be that. 'Be' what you want to 'see' what you want. It's just how it works... walk away from the rest. 

My Lifetime Crush on a Quirky Scientist

My astonishment cannot wane when I think of this person;  resident in one being was such a gifted scientific mind,  further and exponentially expanded by the limitless reach of his heart and love for humanity: Albert Einstein was, is, and will always be the one famous being with whom I wish I could wine, dine, and chat til the wee hours.

I have recently gone back to his writings - eating through one of my favourite books on my shelf, Essays in Humanism  [Philosophical Library, New York, 1950], a compilation of a few essays and letters Einstein wrote between 1933 and 1949.  Not a single word written there is without profound wisdom and beauty, without pure and innocent hope, without earnest urgent concern for the state of  international relations; and so, not a single sentiment therein has lost its relevance in such relations today.  

It is truly awe-inspiring, and both intellectually and spiritually provocative to read his excited addresses to the United Nations, fellow thinkers and scientists, or to the citizens of the world on matters of technological and scientific progress and developments, and his concerned appeals on the unfortunate misuse of these advancements for the leveraging of power at the expense of us all.  His appeals on how power is divided, how money is spent in politics, how the world is partitioned and guarded more by a system of fear, war, and a race for destructive armaments  - rather, than as a common goal of inspiring, educating, and erecting systems for a paradigm of peace. Insisting on the latter's necessity for a truly secure future as the only way to save us all.  His words on class warfare, discrimination, and prejudice; his unabashedly humble praise of any one who has lived their lives in service of such noble goals of peace, advocacy, inclusion, and equality; this all from the man who helped us understand the Universe by devising the Theory of Relativity! Most operative on all accounts.

A cheesy high school girl though I may seem in saying this - I just love him! 

Foto: Low Density LifeStyle Blog: The Masters of Enlightenment: Albert Einstein

I worked for a short time administratively at the International Rescue Committee - an exposure that connected better my philosophical beliefs to what I have yet to do actively with them.  The IRC was founded at the request of Albert Einstein in 1933 as an American chapter to his already established European based Emergency Relief Association, focused singularly on the rescue and resettlement of displaced Jews.  This was of course a historical fact not missed by me, and fed my determination to be associated with the IRC in any way.  Today the IRC is a non-governmental volunteer organisation singularly focused on work with displaced victims of war, famine, or natural disaster; and providing resettlement assistance to refugees, while offering education in life sustaining practices suitable for their environments - from farming, building, crafting, and cooking methods, to reading, writing, language lessons,and healthy reproductive practices. Their workers are located worldwide in the hottest locations of difficulties, working with large populations of displaced peoples - and they are often on the site of new emergencies before the UN or similarly focused agencies as they have no governmental/political affiliations. 


Now isn't this such a wonderful idea - and one that I think all governments should aim to adopt as quintessential to foreign relations?  Why do I ask this? Because the IRC is a privately funded organization.  No, I'm not going to ask you to donate - I'm #justsayin - it's a wonder that our leaders don't put this same kind of effort into caring for their human family as they do in arming up to kill whole sections of it - as is the central incredulous rhetoric in many of Einstein's essays, speeches, and jottings.    

“What is the situation? The development of technology and of the implements of war has brought about something akin to a shrinking of our planet. Economic interlinking has made the destinies of nations interdependent to a degree far greater than in previous years.” —Albert Einstein, Essays in Humanism, "Towards A World Government"

It seems to me we have lucked out in that we now have a world leader who demonstrates such breadth of intellect and heart.  I have to say the recent State of the Union Address (#SOTO) inspired in me many of the same feelings that Mr. E=mc2 does in his passages.

“If we want to resist the powers which threaten to suppress intellectual and individual freedom we must keep clearly before us what is at stake, and what we owe to that freedom which our ancestors have won for us after hard struggles.” 

—Albert Einstein, Essays in Humanism, “Science and Civilization”

To hear the sound of fair reason, and to witness its fearless and heartfelt demand for it, is something that inspires and governs both my spiritual and social aspirations of how to live a connected, compassionate, and gracious life. Depending on how things go in the next year, or few,  maybe Obama may come close to sharing space on my list of folks I wish I could meet.  He's being watched.  So for now,  Einstein is the only one.  :)

RELATED JOURNEY POST:

Einstein Stuff (Oct 2007)

  

URGENT REPORT ON DARFUR: You too, from where you sit, can act like a humanitarian! (March 2009)

Beautiful Ironies

A persistent belief of mine, even in the most trying of times is that unexpected beauty in life shatters our monument to suffering.  When we experience an unlikely turn of events in the last minute of fitful desperation, or  witness a just reward for sacrificial work of an underdog, we cannot help but be inspired; yet to hold on to this inspiration requires a williingness to release the often irresistable need to hold blame.

While I've been busy in my little cocoon these past months, trying to figure out which way to turn next and how to get there with confidence and gratitude as my companions (because it's been a bit challenging to hold the road with them lately...) I have been slapped back to reality with three most inspiring and ironic things over the past days.

As we see a historic end to the Oprah Winfrey Show today (so many of us grew up with this woman-with-a-message, whether we watched all along or not), I tuned into one of her farewell shows last week, and she did me in AGAIN!!   It was a rainy, gloomy day and I was feeling particularly sapped of motivation - and boy did her show bring me to my senses.  She highlighted the lives of two incredibly 'unlikely' beacons of hope and true purpose (Oprah being one too, if we recall this billionaire's beginnings):  

Photo: Oprah Winfrey Website

Mattie J. T. Stepanek - Thirteen years young and centuries old in wisdom, this wheel chair bound prophet spent his very short life from the age of three, spreading messages of love, peace, joy, and delight with life.  A boy who had every reason to sing only woes of his very trying physical existence with muscular dystrophy, but chose (or was chosen) instead to guide his experience here on earth as one of consistent and constant gratitude and wonderment with life. He shared this message with millions through his writings, and by the end of his life, Mattie had 6 New York Times bestsellers of his poems and one of his essays.  He is currently being considered for sainthood!

 

See a short tribute clip of his life: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/A-Tribute-to-Mattie-JT-Stepanek

Your heartsong is your inner beauty.  It's the song in your heart that wants you to help make yourself a better person, and to help other people do the same. Everybody has one.

~Mattie J.T. Stepanek, 1990 - 2004~

photo: Oprah Winfrey Website

Dr. Tererai Trent, Ph.D. -  From a poor rural farming village in Zimbabwe and denied an education simply because she was girl, set her dreams of earning the highest academic credentials in the unimaginably distant United States of America.  She wrote these dreams on a piece of paper and buried them under a rock. Then proceeded to be challenged at every step - sold into marriage at 11 years old, mothering 4 children by the age of 20, being severely abused by a husband who refused her any space to learn anything let alone go to school. But she persevered against these impossible odds to see the suffix 'Ph.D.' follow her name.

Photo: Oprah Winfrey Website

I remember very well my father pointing to my brothers and the other boys in the village and saying: 'These are the breadwinners of tomorrow. We need to educate them. We need to send them to school. The girls will get married.'

~Tererai Trent~

See Tererai's story here: http://www.oprah.com/world/Tererai-Trent-Returns-to-Zimbabwe-to-Share-Her-Story-Video

Then, just yesterday we were given near unimaginable video footage to add to the unfolding shift in inspiring relationships in our world today, when Michelle and Barack Obama were greeted MOST ceremoniously by the Queen of England, complete with a 41 gun salute from antique muskets and canons by the Scottish Guard on the Buckingham Palace grounds.  I needn't wax on about the historical complexity of this image except to express my exact thoughts upon watching the footage - that seated at the 'highest' table were the most elite lineage of our collective  ancestors of slaves and slave masters toasting each other and their 'special' relationship in basically ruling the world.  I felt so awed, inspired, utterly amazed and filled by the meaning of this.  It's no small matter, and irrespective of how we may or may not feel about these people as individuals, this was a sight to behold and one that I know our parents and elders (regardless of race, culture, or social standing) would never have imagined, and unfortunately that my father, one of the first black Queens Counsel attorneys in England, never lived to see. And it got me thinking...

When people can no longer be blamed, or historical atrocities, past indiscretions, or other external circumstances can no longer utilized as reasons for the real or perceived inadequacies of our lives, it simply means we must now take real responsibility for what we dream of, where we invest our energies, and how we work to fulfill our purpose - our 'heartsong'. This is the paradoxical manifestation of desires fulfilled  - individually AND collectively; as the old adage cautions, "Be careful what you wish for..."  

One personal example of a wish, and embarrassing gripe: I keep wishing for money to purchase new camera so I can get on with my work.  But I already have a camera - it may be old, but it still works beautifully, so what do I think will change in my creative process by getting a new one??  It cannot be denied - I AM, we ARE starting at the same line of possibility each day we awake, and the attitude and energy we bring to it will determine how the race is run.  Funny how nothing could be more terrifying, or more exciting.  And how beautifully ironic.

For more footage of this, see BBC links below:

Obama toasts the Queen

The Queen toasts Barack and Michelle Obama

footage updates (may 26th) - Obama becomes the first US President to address the UK Parliament in Westminster, and was introduced most admiringly with the famous quote, so apt for this post and all the people spoken of here:

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." ~Abraham Lincoln

 

comment from youtube:

 "Great Speech. I am an American who lives in the UK and it feels so good not to have to apologize for my president anymore. President Obama has returned dignity, thoughtfulness and intelligence to his office."

Power to the People

Mass, en masse, united in purpose and a clear non-violent vision for change, and we mean change - 5000 years of one way, ...to a new way.  That's DEEP!  

These people have proved a most important philosophy to a world that often seems exhausted by or allergic to true activism.   Inspired by Tunisia's revolution, they now inspire the world with their demand for free expression.  

Photo Source: Travel Guide

Photo Source: Flickr

Congratulations to Egypt - Land of the Ancient Kingdoms, Land of the Pyramids, may you continue to beguile, seduce, and expand our minds with your mysterious history, and the enthusiastic valor with which you tread the path of your future. 

Photo Source: Travel Pod

NB.  I've posted this before, but Ben Okri's Lines in Potensis is I think a perfect toast to this historical moment.  (Thanks Sean for sharing this - it's never lost its potency for here it is again.)

The Ruling Valve

Performer: Crimson Heart Replica 

Does the wounded part of your heart direct your life, or do the wishes of the soft untarnished part race to create your experiences? People say life is short.  But I say life is long.  Think of how many memories you have, how many people you've met, how many disappointments you've moved past, how many surprises have tickled your outlook?  And just think how many more of those are ahead.  Every aspect of life, major or minor, in every place you have lived, every job you've had, every failing or successful result from any effort, every person - asshole or angel, stranger, family member, or friend, has shaped and reshaped your choices for your life,  the lessons you've learned, and how you feel about yourself and others...in short your identity...your heart.  

Our hearts get molded and recolored over and over again, but over the course of this long LONG journey we start to see and feel a graphic pattern of our ruling valve; the one that shapes our perceptions of this journey.  Does your ruling valve restrict flow to protect the whole heart from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune*?  Or does it pump energetically and openly, absorbing those arrows with an enduring life flow of wonderment and delight?  We all know the latter creates ease, and the former creates pressure...and with enough of the former, follows an inevitable implosion of explosive destruction.  That valve would restrict any inclination for open exploration, including the idea that seeking to remain innocent is life affirming, rather than emotional suicide.  

Like most people, my valves work in shifts, and as I get older I restrict myself more frequently - which always comes about from

fotos © Monique MOGI Gilpin

fear of a myriad of things, including fear of wanting good things for myself. But my ever dreaming childlike valve keeps screaming to reign supreme.  I breathe better by searching for fair perspectives in things; mercy and forgiveness  amidst negativity, acceptance of the inexplicable or indelible hurts, and the insistence in dancing on common ground with myself and everyone I share space and time with.  Yes there are some serious assholes out there, and real life challenges to contend with, but I feel we must understand that those who behave like assholes are simply people who are emotionally restricted by fear; and that the mental and physical work required to overcome personal conflicts or life challenges are better sustained with an open flow of positive energy (if even at a distance), than by use of suffocating anger or despairing restrictions of the heart.

What you are choosing at this precise moment is what is ruling your life at present.  But life is long, so there's time, now - if there's a need - to change your ruling valve.  What you feel, is how you live. It's your heart, no one can break it, build it, or open it more completely than you. 

* from Shakespeare's Hamlet, III.i., To be, or not to be, - sililoquy
 

----

Crimson Heart Replica: Beautiful Mistake

"My music is my natural instinct, an illustration of immense emotion bleeding out from passionate hearts and souls." ~CHR 

---

To all my peeps who keep my ruling valve open. 

♡♡♡

"Sonnet 29" - Performed by  Rufus Wainright, Clips from Pride & Prejudice:

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

--William Shakespeare

 ---

NOTE to Facebook Readers: 
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RELATED JOURNEY POSTS:   Warm Light and Love (AUG 2010)

                         I Broke Up With Self-Sabotage...(JUNE 2010) 

SUPPORT POST: Another Modern Salone Pilgrim

So by now you know that every now and then I just HAVE to drop a word about a friend/fellow artist/seeker/human being who is on their own  inspiring journey.  Another such soul is MyronChristian Macauley.  Yes - um we have the same name, AND we come from the same country, Sierra Leone, AND, AND, he's a photographer and a fine one at that. 

MCM image from Marc Ecko ad campaign in Europe

A mutual friend  - also a photographer and restaurant owner, Sean John, introduced us some years ago and I've been an admirer of Christian's vision ever since. I've heard him refer to the body of his work in a nutshell as a hybrid of fashion and fine art photography...well...with a big helping of spiritual mysticism I might add.  His images have a dreamlike, ethereal quality that is attempted by many image makers today but rarely accomplished to this standard. Rather than one-dimensional aesthetic imagery, I think Christian produces mentally and emotionally provocative beauty.  

He recently put out a coffee table book, Modern Man in Search of Soul, Pub. MCM Collective, July 2010, currently available on Amazon.com, and at Bookophilia (if you're in JA) which showcases some of his best mystical work chronicling his creative and personal  spiritual journey over the past seven years in Thailand, Brazil, Kenya, India, and Greece. 

During my last stop in New York I made it a huge priority to get the book for my library. I ran over to Sean's spot, Spur Tree, to meet up with Christian and Danae Grandison of (book designer from KGN6 Design  and business partner for the MCM Collective)to get my copy.  Of course there's no big mystery why I'd love it (having been on my own version of Eat, Pray, Love for the past year and a half!), but trust - if you flip through this journey, you'll be transported further than any plane can take you.  

Here's a video from MCM's journey:

Modern Man in Search of A Soul from ofa on Vimeo.

Footage and reactions from a recent Pop-Up Gallery show in SoHo:

You can find more about him here:

-JAMATI

-The Observer

-MyronChristian Macauley blog 

You can buy your book at these places too:

-Greenlight Bookstore 

(Fort Greene, Bklyn - in store)

-Georgia Salon 

(Nolita, NY - in store)
www.georgianyc.com

-Studio Museum of Harlem (NY)

144 West 125th Street

(212) 864-4500
-MCJ bookstore 

(Nolita, NY - in store)
www.mcnallyjackson.com/

K&M Camera 

(Tribecca, NY)
www.kmcamera.com‎

RELATED JOURNEY POSTS:  The Wanderer: And Old Path to Renewal (Feb 2010)

                                                Marathon for Stillness (March 2010)

                        SOLE of REDEMPTION: Majesty of the Little Things (May 2010)

Confessions from the Gap

One random and uneventful day in the last couple of months of 2010 I caught myself barely hanging on to the edge, with just small traces of motivation to maintain my grip - and so, I fell in anyway. Those days were made up of worry about what the heck I was doing with my life, how hard it had become to stay home in New York, how false it felt to propogate any attempt to network or market myself or my work, anywhere, and how unwilling I was to pour my heart out to myself or to you, or why the hell I felt so uninspired to do ANYthing.  

Falling into a real depression was what it felt like, but like a functioning alcoholic - one never would have known it to look at me. I didn't know it!  I was still getting out, or getting online, still going through the motions of a 'fine art photographer' with another show opening to close off a good year - which meant life was moving forward right?  Or just moving in any event...  But internally I felt stagnant - resigned to keep falling through the dark gap, smacking into the detritus of strange, reactive, accidental, or just plain stupid choices I made - including the complacently coorperative (or indecisive) moments that played out in several areas of my life over the course of the last year.   

          

It's funny to say in contrast that I didn't feel dark, or sad.  There wasn't the typical dose of self bashing, that I'm fairly good at, nor were there tears (which sometimes I desperately wanted), but there was some anger...the type that tends to rise when I'm in NYC, or what I'm now transporting to Jamaica.  I'm learning slowly to see/feel it's usefulness for creation though.  It's an anxious irritability that forces me into a silent period where I begin to look, listen, fall into communicative spells of imaginative trances - and from there I work, unencumbered by impatience or self judgment.  It's textures and colors useful. But it's dimensions dreadful. 

      

I heard Maya Angelou in a preview for Oprah's Master Class show on OWN, utter the words "Love LIBERATES.  Love does not own - that's Ego.  Love LIBERATES".  It happened in the middle of the night, around 2:30 in the morning on January 2nd. Quite suddenly, like a light switch being flicked up, I hit ground zero - its landing like a freshly fluffed pillow covered in silk. After a long dark fall, I fell into this soundless open cavern surrounded by portals of light - none promising anything, all inviting liberation.  I ran to grab my diary and a wrote, and cried, and laughed, and purged.  Sounds mad - but it was just my way of crawling slowly back out of the gap.  

2010 was a year of countless fortuitous events for me both professionally and personally, but I judged myself for not being enough of an architect of the better looking structures formed out of those events; thus I named myself a reactive dweller in my life.  I stopped practicing yoga, continued daily to promise myself to return to dance - and each day breaking the promise, and I took up smoking again (I know, I know...).  I basically sat around a lot, pressing auto-response buttons to my life to at least engage in minimal participation of the opportunities afforded to me.  Or so I thought.  But in actuality, I drove myself down every yellow brick bumpy road I found myself on - I just dared not admit it in a moment when loving myself was not on the agenda.  

But love LIBERATES.
  
How easy it was once I just recognized my own bullshit!  Isn't that always the case?  You crawl out of denial only to discover what a simple fool you've been for investing such energies in a self imposed (imprisoning) cover up operation.  And for whom??? For what?  To arrive where?  Well, here I guess. Full and empty. Released and ready to begin building and balancing all over again.  And yeah...to quit smoking too. Again. Sigh. 

      

Dare NOT to live in auto pilot mode - because it is precisely there that gaps form;
DARE to live inside your dreams, be in touch with your unique imagination.

There, is your evolution, 
There you flourish, 
Only there, can you oppose all external expectations of the 'established' paradigms of successful living.  
There, is a place where you can create, approve of, and use your own paradigms. 

Unpredictable ends and the fear of them make this a hard-sought and hard-won place, 
But there is the place of charged confident comfort in knowing your purpose;
a place of  sustainable contentment, innocence, strength, wonderment, and grace.  

To live there is to indeed be a free radical.

     Be radical. 
     Follow Your Heart.
     Become Your Dream. 
     MIND the GAP.

Awakening in the Illusion

I've pretty much done away with the old anal me, the organized, neat, over-planning freak  who had to be certain of every iota of everything in order to move forward with anything.  I'm paraphrasing my internal mantra here, but now each day I sludge or skip forward with this guiding belief:  


The only way to travel light is really to release the heavily packaged idea that you need to know everything.  Release into the unknown, dance with the uncertainty of fudged plans; only there lie the surprises of certain rewards. 


Lofty innit?  But you know, I've honestly found this to be quite true.  Just two years ago, I, and a couple witnesses in my life, would have laughed at the idea of how I live now.  Guilt and fear were my close allies in how I perceived my life or any possibilities that lay before me, and they informed how I would arm myself against disaster (though I did often contradict myself, thereby creating fine messes to clean up anyway).  As I shared with a dear friend the other day, it recently  dawned on me that I currently have stuff left in homes of friends and family in 3 regions of the world - and, unbelievably, I'm not bothered!  

That said - I've not brought this gypsy-footing around to the close I imagined I would have by now. The marvelous lesson and gift of detachment that I've gained with all this jumping around, has also enabled a not-so-complimentary trait of mine: indecisiveness.  It would appear that I no longer know how, and thus by default, where to land - which is beginning to concern me...but only a little bit. Not being tied to a calendar has filled my mostly unscheduled life with an immense amount of fulfilling activity, that ironically now seems to need a bit of structure.  With all this ambiguity about where to finally unpack my suitcases, I've been wondering a lot lately if the impending external pressure to do so means it's time to grow up, or if this is really the distance for me. 


I mean, I handle the business of adulthood as well as the next person I suppose; attending to duties and responsibilities with a fair amount of acceptance (haha) and efficiency, even aplomb on occasion!  Admittedly though, my hypersensitivity to the realities of post-childhood life will sometimes grip me with sheer panic beyond what I've observed in others.  But, I soldier on, as must we all! 


Given such observations, I must concede to the truth that I chase novelty at every turn, because I have yet to truly make peace with the sheer regularness of living. Does this mean that my development is stunted? Or could it mean simply, that I reach for constant expansion? I really fear that too much routine (though I synchronously yearn for it...) will put me to sleep, but who's to say really that I'm even awake? I could be just an indulgent escapist, justifying my ever changing mindset and physical location as necessary creative food for my artistic and spiritual development! 

What is it to be living in an illusion?  What is it to be awake?  Can we do both; can we "dream awake"?  Really, is there a satisfying  definition of either choice, and which therefore is the more beneficial and actionable prescription for a fulfilling life?  What has been a most amusing thing to me for the past couple of years, is the common mantra that "life is short", and its expression is often followed by an urging to figure out the 'how' and the correct 'how' now, so as to live it to the fullest.  But I think life is long, really long.  The changes are constant and the shifts can be huge, and if you're really paying attention and being honest with yourself, even the obvious answers are never really clear because they're simply not static enough to be always useful and ever true.  So - I have no idea what the right prescription is.  But maybe it's just choosing NOW and all that now has to offer, since all else - as new age philosophers and meta-physicists may propose - doesn't really exist and therefore doesn't matter...

London Tube 2007