Confessions from the Gap

One random and uneventful day in the last couple of months of 2010 I caught myself barely hanging on to the edge, with just small traces of motivation to maintain my grip - and so, I fell in anyway. Those days were made up of worry about what the heck I was doing with my life, how hard it had become to stay home in New York, how false it felt to propogate any attempt to network or market myself or my work, anywhere, and how unwilling I was to pour my heart out to myself or to you, or why the hell I felt so uninspired to do ANYthing.  

Falling into a real depression was what it felt like, but like a functioning alcoholic - one never would have known it to look at me. I didn't know it!  I was still getting out, or getting online, still going through the motions of a 'fine art photographer' with another show opening to close off a good year - which meant life was moving forward right?  Or just moving in any event...  But internally I felt stagnant - resigned to keep falling through the dark gap, smacking into the detritus of strange, reactive, accidental, or just plain stupid choices I made - including the complacently coorperative (or indecisive) moments that played out in several areas of my life over the course of the last year.   

          

It's funny to say in contrast that I didn't feel dark, or sad.  There wasn't the typical dose of self bashing, that I'm fairly good at, nor were there tears (which sometimes I desperately wanted), but there was some anger...the type that tends to rise when I'm in NYC, or what I'm now transporting to Jamaica.  I'm learning slowly to see/feel it's usefulness for creation though.  It's an anxious irritability that forces me into a silent period where I begin to look, listen, fall into communicative spells of imaginative trances - and from there I work, unencumbered by impatience or self judgment.  It's textures and colors useful. But it's dimensions dreadful. 

      

I heard Maya Angelou in a preview for Oprah's Master Class show on OWN, utter the words "Love LIBERATES.  Love does not own - that's Ego.  Love LIBERATES".  It happened in the middle of the night, around 2:30 in the morning on January 2nd. Quite suddenly, like a light switch being flicked up, I hit ground zero - its landing like a freshly fluffed pillow covered in silk. After a long dark fall, I fell into this soundless open cavern surrounded by portals of light - none promising anything, all inviting liberation.  I ran to grab my diary and a wrote, and cried, and laughed, and purged.  Sounds mad - but it was just my way of crawling slowly back out of the gap.  

2010 was a year of countless fortuitous events for me both professionally and personally, but I judged myself for not being enough of an architect of the better looking structures formed out of those events; thus I named myself a reactive dweller in my life.  I stopped practicing yoga, continued daily to promise myself to return to dance - and each day breaking the promise, and I took up smoking again (I know, I know...).  I basically sat around a lot, pressing auto-response buttons to my life to at least engage in minimal participation of the opportunities afforded to me.  Or so I thought.  But in actuality, I drove myself down every yellow brick bumpy road I found myself on - I just dared not admit it in a moment when loving myself was not on the agenda.  

But love LIBERATES.
  
How easy it was once I just recognized my own bullshit!  Isn't that always the case?  You crawl out of denial only to discover what a simple fool you've been for investing such energies in a self imposed (imprisoning) cover up operation.  And for whom??? For what?  To arrive where?  Well, here I guess. Full and empty. Released and ready to begin building and balancing all over again.  And yeah...to quit smoking too. Again. Sigh. 

      

Dare NOT to live in auto pilot mode - because it is precisely there that gaps form;
DARE to live inside your dreams, be in touch with your unique imagination.

There, is your evolution, 
There you flourish, 
Only there, can you oppose all external expectations of the 'established' paradigms of successful living.  
There, is a place where you can create, approve of, and use your own paradigms. 

Unpredictable ends and the fear of them make this a hard-sought and hard-won place, 
But there is the place of charged confident comfort in knowing your purpose;
a place of  sustainable contentment, innocence, strength, wonderment, and grace.  

To live there is to indeed be a free radical.

     Be radical. 
     Follow Your Heart.
     Become Your Dream. 
     MIND the GAP.